POST MALONE’S ROSÉ DOESN’T SUCK - IT’S JUST WAY OVERPRICED (A BRUTALLY HONEST REVIEW)

From The Come Up Show

My favorite rapping cowboy with a face tattoo taught me how to manage my expectations - through rosé:

In honor of Grammy’s Season – the only awards show I watch – I was going to pick a musician’s wine and cover it in a good old fashioned, honest review.

I still think reviews of celebrity wines are worth writing. The wine crowd often ignores these wines — dismissing them as gimmicks made by focus groups and consultants.

But for the average consumer, there’s something about drinking a celebrity wine that’s inherently attractive. I think it’s because enjoying wine is an intimate thing by nature, and it fosters a genuine sense of closeness. Perhaps people who purchase celebrity wines feel a sense of connection with the celebrity whose name is on the label.

In a market so saturated, one can’t help but wonder if celebrity wines really have their place? Are they really worth all the money and all the hype? Or are they overpriced marketing fads used to generate passive income for certain stars between gigs?

I’ll admit I was excited to write a piece about trying a musician’s wine, especially given all the hype surrounding Post Malone’s wine - a Provençal-styled rosé called Maison No 9. I had done my share of research on which musicians had wines that actually sucked - word to the wise, proceed with extreme caution regarding Madonna’s Chardonnay.

I also extensively researched which musicians’ wines were not that bad or dare I say, good - shout out to Boys II Men and Mary J Blige. Post Malone’s Rosé was another one of the lucky few wines that respected Somms were - well - not disappointed by.

Even The Cut did an article touting the legitimacy of this wine and it seemed like the common reaction to this wine was, “Wow. This doesn’t suck,” followed by a look of pleasant surprise.

But I think the reason why most people were pleasantly surprised by the validity of this wine was because they probably had lower expectations to start. I mean, think about it, of all things - does rosé really seem like it would be part of Post Malone’s brand?

I guess because I had heard so much hype about how mildly impressed people were in terms of this wine, I was really hoping to have stumbled upon some sort of hidden gem of a rosé and to be in awe of its genuine non-suckiness. I guess a very small — EXTREMELY naive — part of me was hoping this rapping cowboy with a face tattoo actually took winemaking seriously and created a really nice and pleasant rosé. I root for the underdog in wine, it’s just how I do. And yeah, I am an extremely naive person sometimes - I’ve always been that way. I was the kid who believed in the tooth fairy when I was 10…. So…. Yeahhhhhh.

Anyway, the inaugural vintage of this wine was the 2020. And there were many unprecedented things that happened in 2020: a global pandemic, Tiger King, Seal watching one of my stories on Instagram… I could go on.

But perhaps one of the most random was Post Malone’s desire to make his own – or  let’s be real, pay a consultant to make his own – Provençal Rosé. When asked about his choice to put his stamp on a rosé, Post put it simply:

“Rosé is for when you want to get a little fancy.” - Post Malone

Before I tried his wine, I visited his website – MaisonNo9.com – to see if I could get any information about Maison No 9 and a more in depth reason as to why he wanted to venture into the rosé business besides getting fancy and the whole “passive income” thing, but I experienced no such luck.  

My inner wine nerd loves to read every single factoid on any technical sheet I can get my hands on.  Yet on the site, there were no such technical sheets.  If I wanted to, however, I could buy more than enough Maison No 9 merch -- including Maison No 9 dog toys, beanies, and even sweatshirts.

There was a link to purchase the Maison No 9 Rosé via Drizly or Vivino on the site, but I decided to go out and pick up a bottle out in the wild. My husband and I ventured out to the BevMo on La Cienega that was a mere block away from my favorite LA landmark - the Trashy Lingerie store. It somehow seemed fitting for our expedition to procure a bottle of Maison No 9.

My favorite LA Landmark Photographed Above

I had asked one of the kind employees to put a bottle on hold for me because he told me there were 6 bottles left and I wanted to cover my ass in case some Maison No 9 megafan was having a party and decided to clean out the store during the 30 minute period it would take for us to get there. This is Hollywood people, you never know.

I could hardly contain my excitement when I laid eyes on the bottle for the first time. The first thing I noticed was that it came in a Riesling bottle. A Riesling bottle that was arguably as big as me. If a bottle of wine could be a weapon, this would be the one I would choose. Maybe that’s why there was a sword and rose etched on the label?

“Okay, Post, odd choice,” I thought, considering the rosé is done in the Provençal style and is not, in fact, a Riesling but probably Grenache based.  So there technically was no need for a Riesling bottle.

But whatevs, it had a slight element of danger and looked cuot.  And if I needed to defend myself and my husband’s honor as we walked to our car, I was armed with the proper weaponry.

There was also that situation of a glass cork – WHY WOULD YOU USE A GLASS CORK??? Though glass corks are great at protecting wines from TCA (corktaint) and eco friendly, they are expensive AF. I guessed the logic behind the glass cork was because he wanted a wine cork that eliminated cork taint but looked classier than a screw-cap (or Stelvin closure.)  

Because Rosé is for when you want to get a little fancy. Right.

The glass cork situation.

Anyway we got home and decided to give it a whirl during Taco Tuesday - one of our regular traditions at home. After wrestling with that glass cork, I poured myself a glass of the stuff. As far as appearances go, it looked “correct” for a Provençal-styled Rosé. I also couldn’t help but notice on the back of the bottle the words: VDP Mediterranée which was also a good sign. (Cue my own bubble of hope that this wine would actually taste good.)

That particular appellation has pretty high quality fruit that often comes at a great value, and there were other Rosé brands I worked with that sourced their fruit from there that I respected. The Mediterranée shares its appellation with areas like Châteauneuf du Pape, Bandol, and the Côtes de Provence. So far, we were off to a really good start.

I swirled the wine in the glass and immediately got everything that was, “supposed to” be there. There were aromas of strawberries, raspberries, honeydew melon, even a little bit of garrigue - or the local scrub that grows in the Southern Rhône. When I tasted it, the strawberries were definitely candied - low-key cloyingly so. It was like they were coated in sugar or something, but it wasn’t that bad. The honeydew melon aroma was there, with a pleasant mineral taste, a bit of white pepper followed by the aroma of … bicycle tire?

Yup. Bicycle tire.

I had to taste this wine again. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I was getting something incorrect… I’m not a Master Somm or anything and my palate needs work. So I tried tasting it again and, well, yeah. There was this very unpleasant aroma of bicycle tire. I’m not sure if it was a Schwinn or a Huffy, but yeah it was definitely there.

I glanced over at my husband and asked him what his thoughts were on the wine. His reaction was a bit more passionate than mine:

“This is hot garbage.”

- Husband

I think he was disappointed because he was secretly hoping we both would like Post Malone’s rosé and be able to enjoy a glass of it while listening to the song, “Sunflower,” after watching Spider-Man: Into The Spider-Verse together. For him I think it was more of a “never meet your heroes,” situation.

I let the wine aerate for a while, but still - no matter what I did - I would get this very unpleasant aroma on the finish. It definitely had a bicycle tire sort of thing at best and at worst, it reminded me of Malört. If you don’t know what Malört is, read this article from the Chicago Sun-Times.

As for me, do I think this wine is garbage? Or hot garbage for that matter? Even considering the foreboding nature of those tasting notes - I still don’t think Maison No 9 is garbage. I’ve had more than my fair share of wines I would consider garbage - and have even had to sell them. Garbage, this wine is not.

If you were to ask me if Post Malone’s Rosé Maison No 9 is overpriced, however —

The answer to that is a big, emphatic YES. The wine costs $21.99 before sales tax with a Club Bev discount. Without that discount the wine is $26.99. If you include the added sales tax you’re spending, you end up walking away having spent about $24.08 on Maison No 9.

Personally I think the reason the wine is so expensive is because of all that crazy packaging. If I were Post Malone, I’d save my money on the glass corks and the crazy bottle and spend a bit more money on the juice inside.

I guess the reality of the situation is my husband and I both have inherently higher expectations if a wine is going to be priced at $25.00 or higher. There are a ton of rosés at nearly half the price of Maison No 9 that drink significantly better. One of my favorites comes in a liter and is called the Jolle Folle Rosé, with fruit also sourced from the VDP Mediterranée. The pricing for the Jolle Folle Rosé - for a whole LITER, mind you - is typically a whopping $15- $20 bucks. If you’re local to the LA area, you can find them at a few Whole Foods, more specifically in the Playa Vista area.

And if you have to have a celebrity Rosé - just stick to Miraval okay? That shit is actually good and it’s also cheaper, coming in at $19.97 at Total Wine and More