HOT GIRL SHIT - WHAT UR FAVORITE WINE SAYS ABOUT WHAT KIND OF HEAUX YOU ARE
Because Valentine’s Day is just around the corner –
If there’s one holiday that’s perfect for unleashing your inner heaux, it’s Valentine’s Day, obviously.
Everyone has a little bit of heaux in them, it’s perfectly natural. And if you’re offended by my heaux jokes and talking about sex stuff -- like seriously it’s 2023 get with the program. Otherwise go grab yourself glass of Pinot Blanc and take several seats.
The truth is, wine is a very sensual thing, and wining & heauxing (or hoeing if you want to spell it the old school, millennial way and not the cute Gen Z way) shouldn’t be mutually exclusive. In fact, they usually go hand in hand this time of year – along with dessert. So, pour yourself a glass of wine, send out your “U up?” texts and let’s get this party started!
Pinot Noir — The Heaux On The Low
Your Line: “Who, me?” *batts eyelashes innocently*
Your V-Day Pairing: White chocolate covered strawberries.
It’s always the quiet ones that are up to something, and you’re living proof of this. On the surface, you’re relatively buttoned up. You probably wear knitted fisherman sweaters in neutral colors on the reg, chat about how much you loved watching The Great British Baking Show over the weekend and act like you’re super boring. You ask everybody else who they’re seeing with a polite smile -and subtle air of mystery. Yet you’re also the same person who quietly bemoans having to cancel your threesome because a work deadline just moved up -- you crafty minx. This V-Day, indulge yourself and hit up some Pinot Noir with white chocolate covered strawberries. The acidity of the Pinot Noir will cut beautifully through the rich creaminess of the white chocolate, and the wine’s dark berry flavors will bring out all that ripe strawberry goodness.
Chardonnay - One Fancy AF Heaux
Your Line: “Buy me dinner first.”
Your V-Day Pairing: Lemon Chiffon cake
You’re DTF – just as long as you’re treated like royalty in the process. You want to be wined and dined, and maybe even take some sort of long ass bath before you do the deed. And you know what? That shit’s called standards. So good on you for having them. You’d never engage in any regretful, shame-inducing hookups but that doesn’t mean you’re a prude. Like the bodacious, over the top varietal, Chardonnay, you can be a boiling over sex pot -- it’s just a time and place sort of thing. Get decadent this Valentine’s Day, buy yourself a Lemon Chiffon cake and pair it with a glass of crisp Chardonnay – from France, maybe because that’s how you roll? The wine’s lemony tones will complement the cake beautifully, and the acid will cut through all the frosting. Keep an eye out for Chablis, or Mâcon-Villages Chardonnay if you’re looking to save some cashola.
Cabernet Sauvignon - Attention Heaux
Your Line: Texts & DMS “Hey.” to 50 people at the same time
Your V-Day Pairing: Flourless Dark Chocolate Cake
You like having all eyes on you. You’re also probably a little bit of a flirt and are no stranger to cushioning. But I gotta hand it to ya, you know how to play the game. While some folks would call you an attention heaux, and maybe others would even dare to call you *gasp* a fuqboi, your response would be, “Don’t hate the player, hate the game.” You’re crafty and busy AF, between work, a very active social life, scheduling hundreds of hookups, and planting thirst traps everywhere. And since you drink Cabernet Sauvignon, you’re definitely one smooth operator with plenty of options. Between checking your hundreds of unread WhatsApps, DMs, Texts, and Tindr messages, consider treating yourself to Flourless Dark Chocolate cake with your glass of Cabernet Sauvignon. The bitterness in the dark chocolate and intensity of flavors match beautifully with this attention-grabbing wine.
Champagne - The Social Media Heaux
As a digitally-driven heaux, you don’t get any stock photos of old paintings #sorrynotsorry
Your Line: *takes selfie*
Your V-Day Pairing: Glazed Krispy Kremes w/ Sea Salt
It’s time to bask in the glow of your ring light this Valentine’s Day and celebrate YOU, like any good social media heaux. Your IG is littered with thirst traps, you’re all over TikTok, and you’ve had more than your fair share of hotties slide into your DMs. You love being seen – especially by a lot of people. And honestly? What’s the harm in that, you know your selfie game is on fleek. Your bevvie of choice is Champagne – because what’s more Instagrammable than popping a bottle of bubbly? (Besides, #roseallday was sooooo 2017.) This Valentine’s Day, treat yourself to some glazed Krispy Kremes. Pop a few of those bad boys in the microwave, reheat for 30 seconds and sprinkle a bit of sea salt on top before pairing them with a glass of Champers – or a Crémant if you’re feeling budget conscious. Oh, and film an IG reel of you popping the bottle for your followers while you do, like the brilliant hashtag heaux you are.
Orange Wine - Kinky Heaux
Your Line: “Yes, Zaddy.”
Your V-Day Pairing: Slice of carrot cake – because you’re anything BUT vanilla.
Doja Cat’s song “Freak” just happens to be your anthem. You love all things leather, and have plenty of whips, handcuffs, and floggers in your closet. Hell, you may even own this pin. Essentially, you’re a freak in them sheets, and you’re got damn proud of that shit. Get a little wild this Valentine’s Day by pairing some carrot cake with a glass of Orange – aka Skin Contact – Wine. This category of wine - aptly named for an individual with your tastes - is made the exact same way as Rosé, except with white grapes, and arguably is one of the oldest expressions of wine that was ever made. Skin Contact wines are great with lots of savory foods, but also sing with spice-based desserts. And as a Kinky Heaux, you’re all about that spicy life. Hit up some carrot cake with your tall glass of orange prior to going crazy with the candle wax this V Day. The rich and ripe apricot notes from the Orange Wine will really play nicely with those gingery, spicy flavors of the carrot cake.
So Happy Valentine’s Day, Thurstqueens! At the end of the day, let this holiday be about celebrating YOU, and be proud about unleashing your inner heaux.